(You) got to have faith!

Oh, what a melancholy choice this is,
Wanting home, wanting him,
Closing my heart to ev'ry hope but his,
Leaving the home I love

Since I had a suspicion that Jared was going to ask me to marry him Friday, June 28, I had a little time to think about it. At first, I didn't think that was such a great thing because at first thought I just wanted to tell him to wait. But then I thought that I would probably just keep telling him to wait for forever, if I had told him to wait. Once I started thinking about it, I realized the only two things that were keeping me from rushing into marriage (other than school - heh) was the fear of growing up and not wanting to be the first to leave my family.

Growing up is not fun. I mean it is, but at the same time I just wanted to stay 10 for the rest of my life or maybe to stay 17 (and a senior in high school). Or to bounce between those two ages, with the knowledge that I have now. I wanted all my siblings to stay frozen in time and for my family to go camping together and to laugh together forever. However, that is not how God designed this life. We get old. We grow up. We leave our families and go own to have our own. The memories we made with our families remain, but we start to make more with new people and in new places. It isn't bad, just hard sometimes. But God is good. I know that he doesn't ask you to do something and then not give you power to do it. And things that seem like they are going to be hard are good for you because you have to depend on God alone for your strength because you know you can't do it by yourself.

As to the second reason, I have already been the first one to leave my family. I went away to school two years ago. And I am the oldest so it makes sense. I will still see them and can still have fun with them. I just won't be there whenever I want. This is probably the harder one for me to swallow. I miss my family so much when I am away at school. I miss being a part of their lives, not just them. I miss sitting in Sarah's hallway talking to her until all hours of the night, being teased by Luke, and trying to be heard at the dinner table. I miss my Dad giving me hugs and leaving me presents under my pillow, I miss my Mom's cooking for me, and Anna asking me to take pictures with her. And it is hard for me to know that I will be in the same city as them, but living a different life. I know I will see them, but I won't be there to catch every job and hear every story that happens. It makes me sad. Sigh.

I realized that if God is calling you to something you should jump right in and face your fears. He knows what he is doing and delaying that is going to just cause you more trouble. I didn't have any valid excuses for not saying yes. Skip over the next paragraph... it is sappy.

I think Jared is a great guy. He encourages me Biblically and points out things in my life that I need to work on (but he does it without making me feel less then him). In the past year he has become so much more caring then I could ever imagine. He tries to look for ways to make my life easier and encourage me. Like when I drive the 2.25 hours back to school, he talks to me on the phone while I drive. This may not seem like much, but 1. I dislike driving and 2. He dislikes the phone and 3. A year and a half ago he wouldn't have done this. He took me to see Leeland this past semester. Again, this doesn't seem like a lot either, but Jared doesn't like concerts and he doesn't like much CCM music. And he went to Delirious with me two weeks ago!!! That was so awesome because he gave up his seat for standing with me at the front. And it was probably the last Delirious concert I will go to. If you had asked me two years ago who did more work in our relationship, I would have said me. I remember talking to my mom about this and how I felt like I was the only one that ever gave anything. Now I feel like Jared is so thoughtful all the time and doesn't give me enough chance to give of myself. heh. I have no reasons not to marry him. He makes me laugh. He knows how to communicate his way through a fight that I have started. He is patient with me and he points me to a great walk with Christ. I thank God for having blessed me with him. I thank God for last summer.

God is so good to me. I trust him. I look forward to seeing what the rest of my life holds. Happy negative one anniversary, Jared! I look forward to spending my life with you.